Matsuda Snaps
by Loves-Chihuahuas
Summary: When L goes too far in his assumptions of the Kira case, Matsuda finally, and hilariously, snaps. What is releaved in his snappage? And why does Mr. Yagami now want to kill L? Funny, written for no reason. Warning inside. Enjoy, and please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Matsuda Snaps

**Reason:** Because it appeared in my head and wouldn't go away…it _haunted_ me. Like a stalker ghost. O.O

**Important Info:** L and Light are not chained anymore in this fic. They had _just_ been unchained for about a day or so after the whole Light-gets-his-memories-back-thing.

**Warning!:** May cause you to eat staples, shave llamas, pick your teacher's nose, lick your computer, collect telephone poles, etc. Matsuda may act OOC...or not. My apologies for any temporal lobe bleeding or loss of hypothalamuses. Maybe slight slash only intended for laughs and mental pain?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, nor a cat(anymore), nor a tattoo, nor a Beta…whatever that is. Seriously, what in the world _is_ a Beta? Is it a Butt Eating Technicolor Apple? Ryuk might like that…

_**Matsuda Snaps**_

_Subtitle: The Snappage!_

As usual, all members of the Kira investigation squad were in L's super-duper headquarters. No, not the fort he built out of Poptarts earlier that morning, but the enormous skyscraper that was supposed to be inconspicuous. A huge skyscraper is inconspicuous. Right-try telling that to someone who lives in the middle of a cornfield(me)-Moving On!

Anyways, the team was situated in HQ. It was the beginning of a terrible Tuesday morning, and everyone was feeling grumpy because they had been called in at 6:13 by the panda. The detective had called everyone's house-actually, Watari did that part on orders from L-saying that he had found an amazingly important piece of evidence that they all needed to see at that very moment.

Poor Matsuda had been working like a dog for months on end, especially this last week. He was treated like an upstart and was basically L's coffee boy. His confidence undermined, self-worth damaged, and emotionally and physically exhausted, his situation was worsened by what he saw when he closed his eyes at night. He had developed horrific nightmares from the stress and sheer trauma of the case, leaving him sleepless many nights. He had just been falling asleep at 6:13 when his phone rang. Eyes twitching and near tears, he picked up the phone to hear Watari relay L's dire message. Being the dedicated officer he was, he immediately forgoed his sleep and hurried to HQ in his green jammies.

So, with many sighs and naughty curse words, everyone hurried to HQ in various states of consciousness and dress. The Yagamis, Aizawa, Ide, Mogi, and Matsuda stumbled into HQ all within a two minute span, gasping for breath in their pajamas and inquiring about the new evidence.

L was sitting in a computer chair in his usual spider-monkey position, wearing his customary clothes and genius-stare. He cast an amused glance at the state of dress some of the team members were in; Mogi was wearing a tie over his night-shirt, Light was still sporting his pajama pants pajamas(blue plaid with cows jumping over the moon), and Matsuda was wearing his full pajamas(just green plaid).

L quirked a quick smile that quickly disappeared as Mr. Yagami asked urgently, "What is it L? What happened, what did you find out!?"

L removed himself from his chair and walked steadily over to the large dessert selection placed on the coffee table and daintily selected a pink doughnut before answering, "I have discovered a secret message in the media that I find quite disturbing…and might mean yet another Kira."

Everyone stood still for a moment, the news that the investigation was far from over sinking in like dog urine into a white shag carpet. Aiwaza recovered first and asked in hushed tones, "Can you show us L?"

L nodded and, picking up a remote from the coffee table in his peculiar manner, turned on the TV in the room. The team huddled around it as a tape began to play. Oddly enough, it said 'MTV' at the bottom…

"A music video?" Light wondered aloud.

A scantily-clad blonde woman appeared on screen and began to croon in an oddly masculine voice. The team watched the video intently as the blonde woman crawled through mud as she sang her odd song, eliciting blushes from many of the men.

The video was paused before it ended, and L looked at the team expectantly. "Well? Do you understand the magnitude of this? We are practically doomed if we don't counter this…"

L continued to babble in his monotone, gesturing at the video for emphasis. The team, being completely confused, only watched for a few minutes, utterly lost to L's 'logic.'

Matsuda finally cleared his voice, interrupting L's rant, "Uh, L…I think we would all like to know..well, what in the world you are talking about." Matsuda looked at the other sleepy members of the team for support, and they all nodded in consensus.

A slight frown crossed L's pallid face, and he pointed to the paused picture of the blonde pop-star covered in mud. The team stared, and everyone thought simultaneously, '_What, her boobs?'_

Still seeing the confused looks on the team's faces, L sighed and pressed his thin finger against the information in the corner of the screen about the song and singer. Everyone read: 'Shakira…Whenever, wherever…'

Still looking puzzled, Mogi asked uncertainly, "L? This is just the pop singer Shakira..everyone knows her, she's popular."

L rolled his eyes uncharacteristically, and said slowly and clearly as if to toddlers, "Shakira. Sha_kira._ Kira. She is proclaiming that she is Kira, and furthermore, she is trying to subliminally seduce all the males of the world to follow her."

Everyone, even Light, looked at L in a way that they never thought they would; like he was retarded.

Matsuda stood in shocked silence, thinking to himself slowly in order to keep his sanity, '_He can't be serious…he must have something else to show us. Even I am not that stupid.'_

Light sputtered, "L, that is retarded! Shakira came out as a singer _years_ before the whole Kira thing! Do you even have any evidence?"

L cocked his head to the side, brought his thumb up to his lips, and answered calmly, "I am quite certain this is not retarded in the least. And as for my evidence, I have just provided it-her name."

Matsuda began to count in his head, '_One…two…three…four….five…'_

L then spoke again, causing a skip in Matsuda's counting, "We will now be gathering as much evidence as we can on this Shakira, and I mean everything-song analysis, medical records, all known media images and writings on her, her childhood, everything.. We will not rest until we bring this monster to justice."

Matsuda resumed his counting from the top, determined to not lose it-he could handle this, 'O-_One…t-two…three…'_

As for the rest of team, they stood rooted to the spot, still shocked at L's misconceptions.

L turned back to his dessert tray to select another sweet, and noticing that he lacked coffee, threw over his shoulder nonchalantly, "Oh, Matsuda. Bring me some coffee, would you? But please get it right this time; nine white sugars, three and a half shots of milk, eight teaspoons of honey, and twenty brown sugar cubes on a blue china plate arranged in a pyramid."

Matsuda finally, and epically, snapped.

It was not readily apparent at first, only a slight shaking in his limbs visible. Rapidly, however, it became apparent that his senses had left him.

Matsuda grabbed his head in his hands and yowled, "AH _HATE_ YOU, RETARD-PANDAAAAAAAAAA!!"

There was a collective gasp at Matsuda's proclamation. L looked at Matsuda in slight surprise and murmured, "So he finally lost it…or, at least, 80% of it."

Matsuda pointed his finger at L, then at the TV screen where Shakira was freeze-framed in the mud, then back and forth repeatedly. He made snarling, angry-raccoon noises and garbled out, "YOU-SHE-WHORE-RETARD!"

L raised his eyebrows and asked in a confused voice, "I'm a 'she' and a 'retarded whore'? You seem confused; maybe I should have someone else get my coffee from now on."

Matsuda jumped over the table at L and hollered, "NO COFFEE!" L leapt out of the way and the team finally made to move from their previous, shock-induced states of lethargy.

L mumbled to himself as he moved out of harm's way, "100%? Interesting."

"COFFEE-STUPID-RACCOON-DEVIL!" Matsuda howled.

Aizawa grabbed Matsuda, only to receive an elbow to the gut and a kick to the shin. Matsuda fought through the mass of officers like a wild animal and finally reached L, landing a punch to his gut. L's eyes bugged out, and he toppled to the ground in pain.

Matsuda leapt and tackled L. Leaning over the pinned detective, Matsuda released a string of seemingly unrelated words: "WAFFLES-SHAKIRA-L-LIGHT-GAY-RETARD-WHORE-CATS-HARRY POTTER-KIRA!" he screeched in L's face, causing the detective to blink a bit stupidly.

Matsuda then bit L on the nose, then the chin, hard. L raised his hand up to his face in an effort to shield it, so Matsuda bit that too. That was when L remembered he had legs, and put them to good use, kicking the biting officer off of him. Matsuda was flung back into a wall, against which he cracked his head, drawing blood.

The team stood in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do and who to help. L cupped his hand over his nose and shot a glare at Matsuda, who seemed to be calmer now.

"What the heck, Matsuda?" L grumbled, tenderly feeling the bite-marks on is nose and chin.

Matsuda sat up from his splayed position on the floor and moaned, " Da panda _hurt_ meeee…!"

L sighed, recognizing that though not as violent, Matsuda was still not in his right mind. "Great," he griped, "He's been knocked a new kind of loopy…"

L cautiously got up off the floor and moved quickly over to the rest of the team. Light looked at him in slight fear and hissed, "He's gone crazy!" L chose not to point out that that was quite obvious.

Matsuda painfully stood and whined loudly, "Evil muffin!... He hit me with his whore Light… and took ma jelly beans!" He swayed on the spot then lurched towards the couch.

The team looked at L in shock, who said angrily, "He's delusional! He doesn't know what he's talking about-"

Matsuda then vocalized his mushed thoughts again from his new position under the couch cushions, "Raccoon…kinky chained to that poor kid…poor Light, he got not mushrooms for Kira." L and Light turned a delicate shade of pink at the half-formed implications.

L moved over to where Matsuda was attempting to burrow into the couch to stop his damaging statements. Grabbing him around the waist, L attempted to pull Matsuda out from under the cushions, eliciting another statement from the crazed officer.

"OH NO! DA PANDA GONNA TRY TA MOLEST ME AGAIN! LIGHT, RUN FROM DA PEDO-MAN!" L immediately let go of the tweaking Matsuda and retreated a few step, his hands up in the air in a show of innocence at the distrustful looks of the team.

Mr. Yagami gave L an appraising look and said lowly, "L, even if he is delusional, he keeps on making references to you being a pervert-towards my _son_."

Unseen by the team who were watching L and Mr. Yagami, Matsuda exited the couch cushions and stumbled over to L's computer station, opening up a discreet drawer as he mumbled about a moose.

L bristled at the accusation and said haughtily, "Mr. Yagami, as you said, he is _delusional_, so even if he does keep insinuating things of, ah, that nature, we cannot take him seriously." L crossed his arms, confident that he had shot down the allegation of indecent behavior.

It was at that moment, however, that Matsuda decided to make his concussioned-prescence known once again. He was suddenly behind Mogi, holding a familiar pair of handcuffs.

"LOOK WHA AH FOUND IN HIS DRAWWERSSSS! ITS DA KINKY HANDCUFFS!" Matsuda screeched in Mogi's ear, the handcuffs swinging from his hands.

Mogi jumped in surprise and L growled, "Matsuda! They aren't kinky and nothing ever happened-"

But Matsuda seemed to take L's tone of voice as a threat and threw the handcuffs in the air as he screamed in terror, "OH NO! HE GONNA DO TA ME WHAT HE DID TO LIGHT!" He then stumbled over his own feet, fell to the floor, and proceeded to crawl away under the coffee table.

Mr. Yagami's eye twitched as he turned to look at L, who was bright red with anger and embarrassment, and asked harshly, "Just what is he talking about? Don't give me that 'he's crazy, don't listen' crap! What did you do to my son!?"

Matsuda made gargling noises from beneath the coffee table, sounding like a sea-creature.

L took a discreet step backwards and said calmly, "I swear that nothing ever happened between me and your son, Mr. Yagami. Now, if you will excuse me, I believe that we must get Matsuda under control and back to his right mind."

Mr. Yagami gave L a hard look, then finally nodded, motioning for the team to get Matsuda out from under the coffee table. Aizawa and Ide grabbed Matsuda's legs and pulled the struggling officer out from under the table.

Matsuda squawked and squealed, screaming, "NO! AH AM A VIRGIN!" The team shot L curious and distrustful glances. Mr. Yagaim motioned for them to hold Matsuda there.

Mr. Yagami stepped forward to where Aizawa and Ide were restraining Matsuda and took a deep breath before asking seriously, "Matsuda, what is it that you think L did to Light?"

Matsuda gave Mr. Yagami a goofy smile before leaning forward and whispering conspiratorially in a loud voice, "Ah came to head quawtars last month at night, 'cause ah forgot ma watch, and ah saw something…"

L started to inch discreetly over towards the door.

"Yes, go on Matsuda!" Mr. Yagami urged.

Matsuda's head lolled back and he said to the ceiling, "Ah saw L holding a rag over Lighty-bulb's mouth, an' he went to sleepy-sleep…Panda did naughty things to him, naughty, naughty!...Den he saw meh an' he kicked meh in da head…ah woke up in ma caaarrrr…not a dream doh, he he hehehehe!" Matsuda finished with a giggle, drool leaking from the corner of his mouth.

The team turned red and faced Light, who wondered aloud, "So that's why I can't remember the night of the 17th..?" Light realized what he said ducked his face in embarrassment.

Mr. Yagami looked speechlessly from his mortified son to Matsuda in horror, then looked around for L. L was almost at the door when he heard, "GET THAT PEDOPHILE!"

Matsuda giggled on the floor, conversing with the dust mites as the world's greatest detective was arrested on counts of child molestation. He whispered to the dust mite he had na,ed Bertha, "He drew a moustache on Light-bulbly's face and stuck marssshhhhmelloows up his nosey! Hehehe, naughty, naughty! Takin' pictures of poor Lighty's fancy moustache…"

END

See, not really slash! Just implied and mistaken, that's all. ^-^ Did you like it? I didn't really have a plan for this story and just kind of let it go its own way… Anyways, please R&R. Oh! And can someone kindly explain what 'cannon' and 'fannon' mean? I hear those terms quite often.


	2. Chapter 2

**Matsuda Snaps: Ch 2!**

**Important Info:** Someone asked for another chapter, so here it is! This is basically an alternate story for Matsuda to snap. There will me no mention of slash in this one because my hands almost caught on fire- if you don't know what I'm talking about, please refer to 'Bathtime O.o' The story will deviate from the first version after L makes his crazy coffee demands. Enjoy!

**Warning: **you may accidentally stick a pair of scissors into an electric socket! O.O Or, maybe not… Anyways, warning for insanity. Oh, and I apologize if you happen to like Shakira, because I won't say anything pleasant.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, nor do I own a Ferbie..at least, not anymore(glances at woodchipper).

_**Matsuda Snaps**_

_Subtitle: The Snappage Take 2!_

Matsuda resumed his counting from the top, determined to not lose it-he could handle this, 'O-_One…t-two…three…'_

As for the rest of team, they stood rooted to the spot, still shocked at L's misconceptions.

L turned back to his dessert tray to select another sweet, and noticing that he lacked coffee, threw over his shoulder nonchalantly, "Oh, Matsuda. Bring me some coffee, would you? But please get it right this time; nine white sugars, three and a half shots of milk, eight teaspoons of honey, and twenty brown sugar cubes on a blue china plate arranged in a pyramid."

Matsuda finally, and epically, snapped.

It was not readily apparent at first, only a slight shaking in his limbs visible. Rapidly, however, it became apparent that his senses had left him.

He choked out a sob and pointed at the TV where Shakira was freeze-framed in the mud. The team looked at him in confusion, wondering why the odd singer was causing Matsuda to cry.

Matsuda sobbed again and said in a small, craoky voice, "She's a whore!"

L cocked his head to the side and asked, "And that has to do with my coffee _how_, Matsuda?"

Matsuda wailed, "SHE'S A WHORE!" and gestured frantically at the TV screen.

Ide chuckled quietly and muttered, "He said 'whore'…hehe"

Matsuda began sobbing where he stood in his green plaid pajamas. Everyone gave him a funny look that one would give an opossum that had rabies(you ever seen one? They're frickin _scary_).

L frowned, then commanded, "Stop crying this instant; it is in no way retrieving my coffee nor helping the case."

Matsuda, instead of ceasing his weeping and regaining his dignity, threw caution to the winds and collapsed upon the couch next to L, bawling into the poor cushions. L flinched at the emotional display, not used to seeing tears.

Aizawa looked pityingly and a bit disgustedly at his normally happy-go-lucky friend, then gave L an affronted look and asked, "What the heck did you do to him?"

L shrugged nonchalantly and replied monotonously, "I have no clue and could care less." He pointed to Aizawa and said, "You get me coffee since Matsuda seems unable to do so."

Aizawa was about to say something scathing when a strangled noise was heard from the couch. All looked towards the couch, where Matsuda had managed to somehow erect a fort out of the Cushions and was hidden within.

Mr. Yagami frowned apprehensively and asked, "Come again?"

Matsuda wailed from within his fortress, "PANDA IS EVIL! WHORE IS EVIL! COFFEE IS EVIL!"

L blinked, then sighed as he realized that he would get no coffee until this was resolved. He knew how to negotiate with killers, so perhaps he could handle this..?

He approached the fort, crouched down, and knocked on a cushion, almost knocking it over. "Matsuda?" he asked boredly.

"Wah?" came the weeping reply.

"I can understand that Shakira, seeing as she is a Kira, is evil. But, why do you believe I, aka 'Panda', and coffee are evil?" L questioned.

Matsuda wailed something inarticulate that sounded like this: "YOUCAT WHORES SLEEP KHEOELGKIRAAL DHFKACOFFEE!"

L shook his head slightly and asked, "Come again?"

Matsuda bawled loudly, "PANDA IS KIRA!"

L nearly had a seizure.

Light snickered appreciatively as the world's #1 detective had a conniption fit and said, "Haha! Now you know how it feels!"

Wrenching himself out of his near-seizure, L growled and knocked down Matsuda's cushion fort. Matsuda squealed and started to try to crawl under the couch, obviously not remembering that the gap between the floor and couch was only 2 or so inches high.

L tried to grab Matsuda's arm as he attempted to squeeze under the couch, eliciting a hysterical, "WAAAHH HA WAAH KIRA WAAAH GOTS ME!"

L growled in frustration over his lack of coffee and mentally incompetent employee, close to just kicking some sense back into the officer. But, as the entire team was watching him (and making no move to actually _help,_ the cowards!) he settled for more sensible means of restraining Matsuda.

He sat on him. Yep, he plopped right down on top of Matsuda's back, effectively incapacitating him. Matsuda made a sound like a kitten that's had its tail stepped on, wriggling on the floor like a turtle that's shell was waaaay too heavy all of a sudden.

As Matsuda began to bawl again, L wondered briefly if this was what 'babysitting' entailed. The world's greatest detective sat on the officer and listened to his garbled, blubbered message:

"PANDA-KIRA-SLEEP-COFFEE-MEANIE-WALRUS-RETARD-WHORE…!"

Ever the detective, L attempted to unlock the meaning to the seemingly random words, thinking in his gold brain, '_Alright, I am 'panda,'… _

_I am NOT kira, though he seems to think otherwise…_

_Sleep…?_

_Coffee seemed to trigger this…_

_I am most likely 'meanie'…_

_Walrus…?_

_Retard, well that's likely Shakira…_

_Whore is Shakira…"_

L frowned slightly as he sat on top of the heaving Matsuda, sifting through the repeated words again, '_Walrus and sleep…'_

L glanced down at Matsuda and asked, "What are 'Walrus' and 'Sleep'?"

Matsuda gurgled, "Coffee…Kira…"

L frowned, but on closer inspection of Matsuda's face, he noticed that there were dark circles forming-nowhere as advanced as his own, of course- and the officer looked generally exhausted.

L asked quietly, "Have you been sleeping very well Matsuda?"

Matsuda let out a pitiful moan, "No sleep, never sleep…"

L narrowed his eyes. Contrary to popular belief, he did care about his co-workers and underlings. Shifting slightly and bringing his thumb up to his mouth, L inquired further, "Why have you not been sleeping?"

By this time, Matsuda was getting tiered from his crying and starting to come out of his hysterics just enough to speak a bit more coherently, "Panda…Panda and the Walrus…Kira." He whimpered.

Furrowing his brow at the thought that he might be causing some sort of night-terrors, L asked, "Matsuda, are you…having nightmares?"

Matsuda moaned at the word and covered his ears, evidently frightened at the very thought of what plagued him at night.

Glad that they were finally getting somewhere, L pushed for more information, asking, "what do Panda, Kira, and Walrus have to do with your nightmares? Are they _in_ them?"

Matsuda cried, "Kira-Walrus-blood!...always blood…blood…" he sobbed tiredly onto the linoleum floor, sounding and looking truly careworn. His sobbing increased again, sounding pitifully ragged. Knowing that the officer needed to calm down in order for L to obtain more information, L attempted to sooth him by awkwardly rubbing a spot on the officer's back that was not occupied by said detective's rear.

Matsuda's shaking sobs reduced to a steady sniffling cry.

L pursed his lips, knowing that since he wasn't _in_ Matsuda's nightmares, he had somehow helped to _cause _them. But who was this Walrus!? It didn't make any sense, Walrus just didn't fit! Unless…maybe Walrus didn't stand for a person, but stood for something else, like… fear, or stress? Yes, that was it.

Going back over his collected information from the still-delirious but no longer struggling Matsuda, L declared, "Alright. You think that Shakira is a retarded whore and not Kira, and that I am wrong in my assumptions of her. You think that I am mean, somewhat like Kira at times probably due to my intellect, and helped to cause you nightmares about the case that keep you from sleeping. And…you think that I am evil like Kira in the way I make you get coffee frequently." He finished the last part a bit sheepishly, a tinge of pink dusting his face; he knew from Watari that he could be a bit demanding.

Matsuda lay on the floor, breathing heavily, a few tears still running down his face. He mumbled, "T-that's what I was saying."

L nodded to himself, not really upset with Matsuda-in fact, he was going to give him a week off to see a therapist. He gloated to himself in his mind, thinking, '_Perhaps I should also be considered the world's #1 therapist?"_

His musing were interrupted, however, by a crunching-munching sound. Looking around, he saw the team eating popcorn, provided by Watari(that man just popped up like that sometimes…), watching the detective and Matsuda avidly. L's eye twitched when he saw a camera in Watari's hand.

Watari smiled, then said nonchalantly, "Oh, this? It's just a video for anyone wishing to work under you in the future. Just to give them a heads-up."

END

How was it? I think it turned from funny to fluffy. I was going to make it funnier, but then I thought that L might want to play detective/therapist. I don't' know…hm. I'm hungry. OH! Therapist is a creepy word! Know why? Just insert a space and 'therapist' turns into 'the rapist'. O.O Scary, huh? Oh, and, no, I haven't given up on any of my multi-chapter stories. Oi, I'm tired! Anyways, please R&R.

Vive les temps! Vive les temps! Vive le temp d'hiver! Qi si flunt….blah blah balah blah

Boule la niege, et jour de l'an, et bonne anne grand mere!

Yep, my French teacher would hit me, seeing as that looks pretty misspelled for bits of 'Jingle Bells.'

Happy Holidays!


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Matsuda Snaps Ch 3

**Reason:** Because it appeared in my head and wouldn't go away…it _haunted_ me. Like a stalker ghost. O.O

**Important Info:** L and Light ARE chained in this version of snappage!

**Warning!:** May cause you to eat staples, shave llamas, pick your teacher's nose, lick your computer, collect telephone poles, etc. Matsuda may act OOC...or not. My apologies for any temporal lobe bleeding or loss of hypothalamuses. Maybe slight slash only intended for laughs and mental pain?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, nor a cat(anymore), nor a tattoo, nor a …boyfriend D:

_**Matsuda Snaps Ch 3**_

_Subtitle: Rawr!_

As usual, all members of the Kira investigation squad were in L's super-duper headquarters. No, not the fort he built out of Poptarts earlier that morning, but the enormous skyscraper that was supposed to be inconspicuous. A huge skyscraper is inconspicuous. Right-try telling that to someone who lives in the middle of a cornfield(me)-Moving On!

Anyways, the team was situated in HQ. It was the beginning of a terrible Tuesday morning, and everyone was feeling grumpy because they had been called in at 6:13 by the panda. The detective had called everyone's house-actually, Watari did that part on orders from L-saying that he had found an amazingly important piece of evidence that they all needed to see at that very moment.

Poor Matsuda had been working like a dog for months on end, especially this last week. He was treated like an upstart and was basically L's coffee boy. His confidence undermined, self-worth damaged, and emotionally and physically exhausted, his situation was worsened by what he saw when he closed his eyes at night. He had developed horrific nightmares from the stress and sheer trauma of the case, leaving him sleepless many nights. He had just been falling asleep at 6:13 when his phone rang. Eyes twitching and near tears, he picked up the phone to hear Watari relay L's dire message. Being the dedicated officer he was, he immediately forgoed his sleep and hurried to HQ in his green jammies.

So, with many sighs and naughty curse words, everyone hurried to HQ in various states of consciousness and dress. Mr Yagami, Aizawa, Ide, Mogi, and Matsuda stumbled into HQ all within a two minute span, gasping for breath in their pajamas and inquiring about the new evidence.

L was sitting in a computer chair in his usual spider-monkey position, wearing his customary clothes and genius-stare. Light sat groggily next to him, still in his pajamas and fast asleep against a control panel. L cast an amused glance at the state of dress some of the team members were in; Mogi was wearing a tie over his night-shirt, Aizawa had his slippers on, and Matsuda was wearing his full pajamas(just green plaid).

L quirked a quick smile that quickly disappeared as Mr. Yagami asked urgently, "What is it L? What happened, what did you find out!?"

L took a sip of his tea and glanced down at the sleeping figure of Light, "…Light had a nightmare."

…

"Yes, and…?" Mr. Yagami prompted impatiently.

Light twitched and mumbled something in his sleep.

L's eyebrows furrowed, and he replied, "That's it. He had a nightmare, so I had to raise his Kira percentage by 2.5%. It's the biggest lead we've had in weeks." L scratched his head in confuzzlement, taken aback and dissapointed that his team didn't catch on quickly enough.

The four exhausted men gathered in front of L all mentally pace-palm and twitched.

Mogi sighed and asked L in his low voice, "Well, what was his nightmare about? Did he admit to being Kira while he was sleeping, or say how he was killing people, something incriminating like that?"

L blinked and replied, "No."

Matsuda's right eye spasmed violently and Aizawa half-shouted, "Well, what happened, then!?"

"… He said my name. In his sleep. He said, 'L, stop.'" L recited monotonously to the enraged team.

Matsuda slapped a hand to his face and tried to calm down, counting to ten in his head, '_1…2…3…4…5…'_

Mr. Yagami breathed heavily through his nose and asked, "Well, can we go home now? We usually aren't here for another couple of hours."

L looked slightly incredulously around at the team and intoned, "Of course not. You are already here, we have a new lead," He pointed to Light, who was kicking slightly in his sleep and drooling against the control panel, "and justice never sleeps, so neither will we."

Matsuda imagined the numbers he was counting in his head catching on fire…

With many grumbles, the team went to their respective work stations, yawning and complaining quietly.

L stared at Light curiously Light and called over to Matsuda, "Oh, and Matsuda, could you go and get me a blanket and pillow for Light-kun and a cup of coffee with 20 sugars for me?"

Matsuda stopped in his tracks and twitched while the hamster in his head that kept his mind running had a seizure. Matsuda turned to L, his eyes wide and a large, slightly maniacal-looking smile on his face and asked, "Now why would you want Light to sleep while the rest of us work at this ungodly hour?" Twitch. Twitch.

L brought his thumb up to his lips and answered stoically, "I thought it would be obvious; to monitor his sleep to see if he gives up anymore evidence. You are being slower today than usual. Perhaps I should have Aizawa get my coffee for me from now on."

Matsuda smiled at L and walked over to stand next to him and Light. Twitch. Twiiiiitch. "You know, L," He said in an overly-jovial voice reminiscent of a children's show puppet, "I think I know why Light was talking about you in his sleep."

L looked at Matsuda and prompted, "Well?"

Twitch. "He's scared to death you will rape him in his sleep." Twitch. Spasm. Twitch.

L looked up at Matsuda blankly and asked, "Excuse me?"

Matsuda let out a laugh like Elmo(God that's scary) and continued, "Misa told him that you want to do pedo-things to him, and now he has nightmares! I would too!" Twiwiwiwiwiwiiichh. Spassm,spasm. Twiiiitch.

L demanded angrily, "What do you mean, you would too?"

Matsuda shrieked an insane laugh and yelled, "Oh, come _on!_ It's too obvious, give up the act! You chained yourself to an underaged suspect after secretly watching him day and night as a high-school student!"

L frowned and replied, "That is being taken out of context."

Matsuda convulsed and asked in a terrifying giggle, "Is it, though? You never let him out of your sight, you haven't since you first found out about him! You're his perverted stalker!"

L stood up from where he sat next to Light and put a few feet of distance between them before stating angrily, "I am a detective, not a stalker, and certainly not a pervert!"

All eyes in the room watched the exchange, too afraid to move, and Light slept on peacefully.

Matsuda twitched violently again and giggled like a shinigami, "You are in denial! You eat, work, bathe, and sleep next to Light! And the way you two fight is way too violent and…touchy." Matsuda snorted, twitching and spasming uncontrollably.

L stood there staring at Matsuda along with the rest of the team.

"You _look_ like a pervert with the way you dress, you _act _like one the way you obsess over, control, watch, and touch the poor kid, and you carry around candy for goodness sakes!"

L shook his head vilently, "No! I don't believe you!" He strode over to the sleeping figure of Light and shook his shoulder roughly, "Wake up, Light-kun!"

Light opened his eyes, and seeing L, he shot out of his chair and stood next to the cackling and drooling Matsuda, fear evident on his face.

Not seeing this as encouraging, L asked Light blandly, "Light-kun, do you believe I am a pervert and/or that I would/will rape you in your sleep? If you lie, your Kira percentage will rise."

Light allowed the information to sink in, then replied with a blush, "Uhm, yeah, actually, I do think you're a pervert…and I do sometimes have nightmare about you…um…yeas to both."

It was now L's turn to twitch. He took a deep breath, then looking around the room said in a loud, bored voice, "Hello, my name is L, and I'm a pervert towards Light Yagami."

…"We all are perverts, L, we're men." Mr. Yagami deadpanned tiredly from his workstation.

"Hello, I'm Mr. Yagami, and I'm a pervert towards female suspects."

"Hello, I'm Mogi and I'm a pervert towards Aizawa'a wife."

"Hello, I'm Aizawa, and I'm a pervert towards college girls."

"Hello, I'm Light, and I'm a pervert towards mirrors."

…L blinked, then murmured, "well, I guess it's okay then."

"Hello, L," Matsuda gurgled, "I'm Matsuda, and I'm a ketchup fairy!"

END

This is sort of like the other two, but different. I dunno, maybe you'll like it. I just wanted L to admit to being a pervert XD

(Nice) Reviews are welcome! w


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